By: Ursula Furi-Perry
Pack your bags. You're going to be on Big Brother! That's right. You'll be livin' in style in front of the cameras for the next four months. Well, if you don't get voted off, that is. Nervous? Don't fret; just follow these ten tips for becoming the next star of Big Brother!
1. Three words: sucking up works! In fact, the "sweetheart strategy" has won certain reality TV stars millions of dollars. Just remember to befriend all your cast-mates, then grab the nearest camera and talk as much gossip as you can about them.
2. Screw around with as many people as possible. Promiscuity not only guarantees automatic notoriety, it also results in awesome ratings for the network, which in turn results in more airtime for you. Naturally, the more airtime you have, the sooner your face becomes embedded in the mind of the general public--not to mention Hollywood executives!
3. Get into lots of fights. For reasons behind getting into fights, refer to No. 2 above. For the record: catfights, emotional insults, and certain curse words all qualify as fighting when it comes to reality TV.
4. Whatever your beliefs are, stick to them to the umpth degree. Never compromise or negotiate. Recognizing the validity of other people's opinions is also discouraged. Repeated expression of your own opinions will cause the camera to focus on you. Repeated expression of your own opinions about your cast-mates will cause the camera to focus on you even longer.
5. Refuse to work. This will cause your cast mates to start a fight with you. For a recap on the benefits of fighting, refer to No. 2 above.
6. Refuse to participate in mandatory activities, such as eating bugs and other lame challenges, except when it comes to Head of House challenges, of course. This will have effects similar to No. 5 above.
7. Have lots of problems. Whether your issues are emotional, health-related, or prejudicial, these puppies are a surefire way to get the cameraman's attention. Now, simply having these problems is not enough. You must bring your issues to the attention of your cast-mates, your audience, and the general unsuspecting public. You must proclaim your problems in a loud and lamenting fashion, preferably accompanied by crying or any other form of visible agony. You must repeat this process as many times as you can manage. In fact, if you have nothing else to add to an existing conversation, it is recommended that you steer that conversation towards your problems.
8. In connection with No. 7 above, if your main problems happen to be health-related, be sure any crying or agony is further accompanied by some physical evidence of your ailment. When in need of physical evidence, turn to headaches, vomiting, or even self-inflicted wounds. An additional benefit of such evidence is its ability to provide you with an excuse for refusing to perform certain tasks (see No. 5 and 6 above.)
9. Whatever you do, never ever let yourself become the one housemate that disappears from the face pf the Earth. You know, he who just sort of fades into the background and gets no camera time. The best way to avoid this phenomenon is to be sure you assign a certain personality to yourself. Whether you end up being "The Weirdo," "The Perv," or "The Biotch," you'll be securing valuable footage for your future.
10. Finally, remember the ultimate reason you are participating in reality television: You want to be discovered! That's right. Forget the many rejections you've received at various casting calls. Don't even think about those five different restraining orders taken out against you by five different talent agents. After all, you're on reality television! And THAT will guarantee you a future in fame and fortune,--be it commercials, small-town radio or a spread in Penthouse.
Congratulations; you are the Next Star of Big Brother!
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